3/17/11

mix of emotions

so I feel like Im a complete mess today, emotional, crying, angry. And its all because I want to start a family of my own. You would think this would be a happy time, something to look forward to, but I feel like Im in a constant state of waiting. I dont want to say that my husband and I are are two separate pages, because were definitely not. We both want to have kids, the question is more along the lines of "When." Im hoping by writing this, I can help sort out my emotions.

Before we were married, we constantly talked about having kids. And it wasnt even me who brought it up the majority of the time. He always did, he was the one who wanted kids before we even got married. I always told him that I wasnt against having kids if I happen to get pregnant on accident before we were married, but that I wanted to try to do things the right way; the ol'
first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage
We agreed on this, and also the fact that I wanted to graduate college before getting married. So in the back of my mind, I always thought that it would go quite fast.  
Graduation. Wedding. baby
Well I guess I was wrong in my theory, things change, majorly, and Im not really sure why.

Literally 4 days after my graduation party, while on a cruise, he proposes. Of course I say yes, hello?!?!? this is what Ive always wanted. Then we hit a rough patch. We separate for a couple of months. Both trying to figure out what we want with our lives. In the end, we knew we couldnt live without each other and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together. Fast Forward 1.5 yrs later. Were married. We've bought our first house. Everything seems to be back on track. During our honeymoon we have "the talk."

We agree, a few things need to be worked on the house first. He says he thinks we should wait until we completely finish the renovations on the house. And he doesnt think its safe to have a pregnant women in a house filled with dust and new paint. I agree but tell him, that could mean forever. We are always going to want to do something to the house. That there is always going to be something stopping us. He also agrees, or, now that I think about it, maybe he was just agreeing to move the conversation along. We talk some more. We make a compromise. The kitchen has to be remodeled before we start trying. I ask how long he thinks this will take. "4-5 months" ok. Then its a deal, in 4-5 months, when the kitchen is done, we can officially start. We get home from our honeymoon, and a few weeks later we receive a notice from the insurance company.
Roof has to be replaced by November 2011 or your policy is canceled
Can you say BRICK WALL? Ok, so I do have to admit, we knew that we were going to have to fix the roof when we bought the place. But we didnt think it was going to be mandatory by a particular deadline. I look at him. "Does this mean other things need to be pushed back?" he answers with what I know is the answer but dont want to hear, "Yes."

Now little did he know, that I applied for a casting/blogging gig to journal our path to conception, beginning April/May (perfect timing for our original plan). But I havent heard back from them, so I think nothing of it. Rewind to 2 days ago. I get a call from the company. They loved my little application video (yes I know I sound a little corny). They think that its a perfect match because of the things that are going on with our life. Alot of newlyweds face the same issues, buying a new house, starting a family, etc and have to put things off for a number of reasons. They offer to give me a video recorder to do vlogs, a stipend for my time, and an endless supply of pregnancy test and ovulation kits. All for me just recording my journey to starting a family. It sounds like alot of fun to me.

I decide to tell my husband last night about the gig. I was extremely nervous to even bring the subject of babies up. I dont know if Im the only one is this boat, but I feel its a hard subject to bring up, especially when its something you want so badly,  yet are scared of the other persons response. His first response is "So now because someone is paying you, you want to go out and have a baby?" My heart crushes, I get angry, is he serious? He thinks thats why I want a baby? Does he not know me at all? Has this not been something we have both wanted? For a LOOOOOOONG time? We go through everything that needs to be done again. The roof (obviously) and the kitchen.

I know I sound like a brat, but my argument is "But how long is that going to take?" Does he not remember that one of the reasons I agreed to the whole kitchen being done first, is because he said it would be 4-5 months? So how much longer do I have to wait. Ive been constantly bugging him to get the roof started. We have 2 estimates coming in this week. They say they can get the roof done in a weeks time, but we have to decide if its worth it to pay someone to do it, or do it ourselves. Its alot of work if we do it ourselves, and then wouldnt come with a warranty. But if we pay some one its double the price. And on top of that, I have to give the company an answer about doing the gig.

Needless to say, we went to sleep without hardly saying a word to each other last night. He says he feels pressure all because I want to do the gig. I try to tell him, that isnt the reason I want to do it. And technically speaking the company says its fine if the first few months are about us holding off to finish the house work. But the bigger picture is, I want to start a family. I thought he did too. Now it doesnt seem like it.  I know its the more responsible thing to do to wait till everything is done, but we could be waiting forever. And what happens if we have trouble trying to conceive? Then that could be forever too. And seriously? Like theres never been a pregnant woman who gets their house remodeled? Hell, both our mothers moved to new house during their 3rd trimester with the two of us. And plus, if we start trying, even if I do get pregnant on the first try (highly doubtful), we still have 10 months after that to finish the kitchen.

Im so confused right now. I dont know if I should be angry with him thinking that way. Happy with him for trying to be responsible. Sad because I long for a family of my own. Anxious to get the house down.

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